What if?
by Mercs2Girl
Summary: What if things had changed? What if Alice had come back to Claire sooner? What if? A song fic written from Alice's point of view. R&R!


**A/N: This is a song fic for the song Emilie Autumn's [Epilouge] 'What If'. Go look it up on Youtube or something right now before you start reading. Also, you may want tissues or a bucket to cry into. That is all. PS, Abbie, this one's for you; after all, you introduced me to this beautiful song in the first place. Read and review, and enjoy~**

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><p><strong>What If?<strong>

_Here you sit on your high-backed chair_  
><em>Wonder how the view is from there<em>  
><em>I wouldn't know 'cause I like to sit<em>  
><em>Upon the floor, yeah upon the floor<em>

Looking back to us, I never knew what it took to lead the way you did, the way you stood proud, and tall for all those people. You never once faltered. So strong, so faithful, so _perfect._ From the moment I met you, I knew leading the convoy was all that you were living for, all that was of the most importance.

_If you like we could play a game  
>Let's pretend that we are the same<br>But you will have to look much closer  
>Than you do, closer than you do <em>

At first, I used to think you and I were one of the same; both taking charge, standing on our own. But as time grew on, I realised that we couldn't be more different. You were selfless; courageous; beautiful. Everything I never was, or ever will be. People believed in you, held their faith when it seemed like nothing was left. They trusted you with all they had.

_And I'm far too tired to stay here anymore_  
><em>And I don't care what you think anyway<em>  
><em>'Cause I think you were wrong about me<em>  
><em>Yeah what if you were, what if you were<em>

Leaving you was one of the hardest decisions I ever had to make. The look in your olive eyes, begging me silently not to go; to not to leave you yet again. I wanted to stay, I wanted to make us work, but I knew bigger things were ahead. I couldn't stay and risk those that you had fought for. Your selfless side wanted to agree, but the side of you that had come out from falling in love with me wanted me to stay so you could have me. For once, you wanted something for yourself, and for that alone, I wanted to stay. But I wasn't good enough for that.

_And what if I'm a snowstorm burning_  
><em>What if I'm a world unturning<em>  
><em>What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep<em>  
><em>What if I'm the kindest demon<em>  
><em>Something you may not believe in<em>  
><em>What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep<em>

As much as you told me that I was amazing, beautiful, or perfect in my own right, you were wrong. I'm none of those things, and never will be. I tried to be there for you, protecting the convoy with all I had, and I'm sorry I sent you off to where I thought it would be free from infection. I'm damaged goods, corrupted to the core, and I could never be good enough for you. Now look where you are. I never should've let you go, for what it's worth, but it's much too late to forgive myself for what I've done.

_I know you've got it figured out_  
><em>Tell me what I am all about<em>  
><em>And I just might learn a thing or two<em>  
><em>Hundred about you, maybe about you<em>

Though that's not to say I didn't cherish what we had, whatever it was, whatever you want to call it. Love or otherwise. I can tell you what I felt was like nothing else I had ever known. For the first time in a long time, I miss someone, that someone being you. You showed me something I thought I never would feel again.  
><em><br>I'm the end of your telescope  
>I don't change just to suit your vision<br>'Cause I am bound by a fraying rope  
>Around my hands, tied around my hands <em>

All the memories are vividly fresh in my mind. I cannot rid my eyes of the look upon your face when we held our first moments together, the time when you softly called my name, the time when you held me close, and fell asleep in my arms. For the first time, you had been at peace.

_And you close your eyes when I say I'm breaking free_  
><em>And put your hands over both your ears<em>  
><em>Because you cannot stand to believe I'm not<em>  
><em>The perfect girl you thought<em>  
><em>Well what have I got to lose<em>

When I told you I was leaving again, that cold winter's night, you held me close, begged, cried, but nothing could move me. I had to, Claire. I couldn't stay for them to come after me, and kill everyone else for the sake of it. You wanted to believe it was a dream, that I was a feature of an atrocious nightmare. But believe me when I tell you, leaving you behind, seeing your eyes filled with tears, was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and ever will do. Besides this.

_And what if I'm a weeping willow_  
><em>Laughing tears upon my pillow<em>  
><em>What if I'm a socialite who wants to be alone<em>  
><em>What if I'm a toothless leopard<em>  
><em>What if I'm a sheep-less shepherd<em>  
><em>What if I'm an angel without wings to take me home<em>

Sitting alone during the night, I crave your touch, soft, yet sensual all the same. The look in your eyes during the throes of passion, I miss it. I miss you, I miss everything we had together. I never loved someone the same, and I'll never love someone else the same way. The night I left you was the night I lost all that I truly cared for.

_You don't know me  
>Never will, never will<br>I'm outside your picture frame  
>And the glass is breaking now<br>You can't see me  
>Never will, never will<br>If you're never gonna see _

If I had only known what had happened in Alaska, I never would've let you go off on your own. Part of me wondered if things were well, but returning to you now, makes me see all that I have missed. I missed the opportunity to be with you. To be happy with you and only you.

_What if I'm a crowded desert  
>Too much pain with little pleasure<br>What if I'm the nicest place you never want to go  
>What if I don't know who I am<br>Will that keep us both from trying  
>To find out and when you have<br>Be sure to let me know _

Of course, I could never have that. All the redemption I sought, all the freedom I was fighting for, I would've given it all up if I could've saved you from what you'd been safe from all these years. Seeing you again this way tore my heart in half. Regret poisoned my veins, and sorrow stopped my heart. There you were, so perfect, so still, so cold…

_What if I'm a snowstorm burning_

Now I hold you in my arms.  
><em><br>What if I'm a world unturning _

Slowly coming undone.

_What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep _

I was never good enough to save you.

_What if I'm the kindest demon_

All this time, I could've spent it with you.

_Something you may not believe in._

Here I am now, much too late, holding you close, your skin cold to the touch, eyes closed.

_What if I'm a siren singing gentlemen to sleep _

Alone in the cold barren emptiness, wondering 'What if?' as I hold you in silence while you_ Sleep... _

Just_ Sleep…_


End file.
